When it comes to understanding the dynamics of a relationship, few people have done as much work as Dr. John Gottman. With over four decades of research, Gottman has become a leading figure in the study of marriages and what leads to their success or failure. Among his most significant contributions is the identification of four key behaviors that are highly predictive of divorce. These behaviors, metaphorically referred to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” provide crucial insights into the health of your relationship.
With the right support, couples can learn to recognize these patterns and replace them with healthier ways of connecting. Our marriage therapists at Self Care Impact Counseling help couples throughout Colorado do exactly that.
The Four Key Indicators of Divorce
1. Criticism
Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint addresses a specific behavior: “I am upset that you did not do the dishes last night.” Criticism attacks your partner’s character: “You are so lazy and never think about anyone but yourself.” The difference is significant. One describes what happened and how it made you feel. The other tells your partner that something is fundamentally wrong with who they are.
When criticism becomes a regular pattern, it lays the groundwork for the other three horsemen to follow. Your partner begins to feel that no matter what they do, it will not be enough, because the problem is not their behavior but their personhood. A more constructive approach is to address the specific issue directly without generalizing it into a character judgment. “Could you please handle the dishes tonight?” communicates the same need without triggering the defensiveness that criticism almost always produces.
2. Contempt
Contempt is a step beyond criticism, and Gottman considers it the single most destructive of the four horsemen. Where criticism says, “You did something wrong,” contempt says, “You are beneath me.” It shows up as eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and sarcasm delivered with genuine disdain rather than playfulness.
What makes contempt so damaging is what it communicates at the deepest level: disgust and superiority. A partner on the receiving end of contempt does not just feel criticized. They feel devalued and worthless. Over time, contempt erodes the fondness and admiration that healthy relationships depend on. Research shows that couples who express contempt toward each other are significantly more likely to experience relationship breakdown and are even more susceptible to infectious illness, a finding that underscores how deeply contempt affects both emotional and physical health.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is usually a response to criticism, but it functions as its own horseman because of the damage it does to communication. When you feel attacked, the instinct is to protect yourself: making excuses, deflecting blame, playing the victim, or counterattacking with a criticism of your own. “I did not mean to raise my voice. You just do not understand the stress I am under at work.” “It was not my fault we were late. Your sister is the one who got lost.”
These responses might feel justified in the moment, but they accomplish nothing constructive. Defensiveness tells your partner that their concern does not matter, that you are not willing to look at your own contribution to the problem. It shuts down the possibility of resolution and sends the conversation into a spiral where both partners are defending their positions instead of addressing the issue. When defensiveness becomes habitual, couples stop being able to have the kind of honest, vulnerable conversations that repair requires.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is what happens when one partner withdraws from the interaction entirely. They shut down, stop responding, turn away, or physically leave. From the outside, it can look like indifference. From the inside, it is almost always a sign of emotional overwhelm. The stonewalling partner’s nervous system has become so flooded that their brain essentially goes offline, making it impossible to engage in productive conversation.
Stonewalling might feel like relief in the moment, because it ends the conflict. But it also ends any possibility of connection or resolution. The partner who is left talking to silence feels abandoned and dismissed, which often escalates their frustration, which makes the stonewalling partner retreat further. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle that can be very difficult to break without outside help.
How to Counter Each Pattern
Identifying these behaviors in your relationship is the first step. The second is learning their antidotes, which Gottman’s research has mapped with the same rigor as the problems themselves.
The antidote to criticism is a gentle start-up. Instead of launching into what your partner did wrong, begin the conversation by describing what you feel and what you need. Focus on the specific behavior, not on your partner’s character. “I felt hurt when that happened” opens a conversation. “You always do this” closes one.
The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Contempt grows in relationships where the ratio of negative to positive interactions has tipped too far. Actively and regularly expressing gratitude, affection, and admiration for your partner rebuilds the positive foundation that contempt cannot survive in. This is not about being artificially cheerful. It is about deliberately noticing what your partner does well and saying so, out loud, on a regular basis.
The antidote to defensiveness is accepting responsibility. This does not mean agreeing that everything is your fault. It means being willing to acknowledge your part in the conflict, even a small part, without immediately deflecting back to what your partner did. “You are right, I should have communicated that earlier” can completely change the trajectory of an argument. It signals that you value the relationship more than being right.
The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing. When you notice that you are becoming flooded, the most productive thing you can do is ask for a break: “I need 20 minutes to calm down, and then I want to come back to this.” Use that time to do something that genuinely calms your nervous system, whether that is a walk, deep breathing, or a brief change of scenery. The critical piece is the return. Asking for space is healthy. Disappearing without coming back is stonewalling by another name.
The Gottman Method in Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method, often referred to as Gottman Couples Therapy, is one of the most well-researched approaches in the field of couples counseling. It gives trained therapists a structured framework for helping partners identify their negative cycles, understand the attachment needs driving those cycles, and build new patterns of interaction that strengthen rather than erode the relationship.
Within the Gottman framework, couples learn to increase positive exchanges, communicate with greater clarity, manage conflict without letting it become destructive, and rebuild affection by rediscovering what drew them to each other in the first place. Our marriage therapists at Self Care Impact Counseling are trained in the Gottman Method and use it alongside other evidence-based approaches including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and somatic techniques to meet each couple where they are.
Couples Counseling in Lakewood and Longmont, Colorado
We serve couples throughout the state of Colorado from our two office locations in Lakewood and Longmont. Our therapists are licensed in Colorado and offer both in-person and online sessions.
If you are recognizing the Four Horsemen in your own relationship, that awareness is the starting point for change. We invite you to call us at 720-551-4553 for a free 20-minute phone consultation with a marriage specialist, or try our Find-Your-Therapist tool to get matched with a couples counselor. You can also reach us through the contact page on our website.
Take a look at our Couples and Marriage Counseling page for more information about how we work with partners at every stage.
Self Care Impact Counseling envisions a new age of counseling for adolescents, adults, couples and groups that makes a REAL difference with core values of GROWTH | BALANCE | COMPASSION | INNER HARMONY.
About the Author
Alayna Baillod, LCSW, is a Clinical Supervisor and the Owner of Self Care Impact Counseling. She is an EMDRIA Approved EMDR Consultant and EMDR Therapist, extensively trained in Gottman Couples Therapy, Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), DBT, Somatic Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Attachment Theory. Alayna specializes in couples counseling, EMDR trauma therapy, and codependency recovery. Find your therapist here.
